youtu.be/urLbIZSrLS0  via @youtube

Okay, enough of my excuses. Now I’m going to talk about Cate Ellink’s new book, The Virginity Mission. I’m excited about this one because before I knew Cate very well, she sent me the MS to take a look and let her know what I thought. I was worried, because I’d just joined the erotic romance writers’ forum and I thought, eek, what if I think it’s poopy??

But it wasn’t! Not even a little bit poopy!

Instead, I loved the inner and outer (physical) journey of the main character, Mac. Her scientific expedition’s trek through the wilderness meshed really well with her journey of seeking to change herself (through losing her virginity) and (unintentionally) falling for someone. Ellink captures all the insecurities and hopes of the female protagonist perfectly (she’s great at writing emotion) and the main character is very authentic and credible, someone you could imagine running into in real life and liking. Author does a great job of stringing out the suspense, so watch out, this one’s a page-turner (I read the whole thing in one sit). Those hoping for a giant raptor to show up and eat half the characters will be disappointed, but if you’re after a satisfying, believable romance then you can’t go wrong with this one. (If I hadn’t liked the book, I probably would have been hoping for raptors.)

Check it out for yourself in June, or take a peek at the blurb at Escape Publishing.

February is the month for promoting really crappy Valentine’s Day gift ideas. Here are some of the worst offenders I found online.

I will garrote you with these, yes I will…

Love apron. If anyone were stupid enough to buy me a cooking apron that read  “Love: It’s what for dinner” I would have to garrote them with the ties. In fact, any apron gift would be used that way regardless of what it said. Ditto goes for tacky lingerie.

Jerky. That’s right, there’s a company that believes you should express your love with a subscription for beef jerky. Confused as a goat on astro turf? So am I. If anyone made me a gift of jerky, I would assume it was because one of us was a bit of a jerky.

Microbrew Beer Bucket Gift Basket. Admittedly, this is not a bad gift idea for someone who really likes beer. What disturbs me is the galvanized bucket included. Perhaps it’s just me, but gifts that say ‘and here’s something to vomit into later’ just aren’t very classy.

Custom Engraved Dog Tag Set. Okay, someone’s crack pipe was running hot when they came up with this concept. I’m not sure what this gift could mean other than ‘I love you so much I dream you’ll join the military and get posted to a far away war zone’. Ouch.

A monogrammed set of four ticking striped handkerchiefs. Don’t worry if you just said ‘what the fuck?’ because that was my response, too. Apparently this gift is for ‘emotional moments or dabbing eye make-up’. I guess you could give it to a girlfriend as well.

Plush teddy bears are not a bad option. They can be used to make a satisfying bonfire after a break-up.

What’s the worst Valentine’s Day gift idea you’ve encountered?

Here’s my ode to Addicted (available from 24 January) which also provides ten good reasons to read Stein (anything by Stein).

1. The characters may ‘bang like dunny doors’ but the acts are never mechanical or meaningless. In Addicted, as in many of Stein’s books, sex is redemptive and the characters are freed and healed by sex and their relationship. Bonking as a blessing? Amen to that, sistah.
2. Stein’s intimate, confessional writing style drags you deep into the psychological foibles of her protagonists and their wry, often self-deprecating, observations. Example: “Just share your inner self’ she says, as though my inner self could be so easily persuaded. I can’t even tell someone on the subway that they’re standing on my foot, let alone this.”
3. Stein likes to have her way with the English language and sentences like this will leap out and slap you in the face (and make you like it): “The mood is so thick and intense it’s become a supernatural fog bank rolling in from a James Herbert story.”
4. And then she’ll hit you with something really outrageous, like: “Vaginas just attach themselves to his face before he knows where he is.”
5. Linear plots: yawn. Stein likes the ole twist and turn. Things and people are not what they seem. Deal with it.
6. Dislike the use of verbal spats and contrived plots to generate suspense? Stein is a master at creating suspense through character uncertainty and contradiction. In Addiction, characters’ actions and words contradict their thoughts, they act in ways seemingly at odds with their personality and appearance, they desire things that frighten them. The shy librarian fakes sex addiction, the sex addict avoids intercourse. As in real life, nobody’s really sure what the other person thinks, feels or wants. You’ll have to read into the wee hours, forced to turn page after page as you seek the psychological truth…
7. The urge to truffle in someone’s private parts is not incompatible with respect: the hero and heroine actually like each other before they reach the soft, gooey, lovey-dovey stage. You won’t find any improbable “I hate you, I want to kick you in the nuts, now let’s fuck” in Addiction.
8. Kit and Dillon are so funny, messed up and yummy you’ll weep tears of rage because they’re not real which means a) you can’t become friends and hang out with them or b) bonk them. They get hung up on what’s ‘normal’ the way we all do.
9. Stein embraces anatomical reality: the clitoris, g-spot and prostate all get due mention. None of her heroines orgasm from a magic slap of their lady parts or a penis used Mix-master style. Everyone earns their orgasms through good, hard, dirty, filthy effort.
10. Stein is just plain funny. Example: “I feel as though I should hire Indiana Jones to drop down into the snake pit in your pants to get it back out again.” 

So, what are you waiting for? Dive into the snake pit of Charlotte Stein’s authorial pants by checking out her author page at Amazon.

If you need any more convincing, check out the review at Heroes and Heartbreakers.

Here we go…  

1.     Fifi whips herself up a ravishing frock made from the Australian flag to wear to her local Australia Day party. Unfortunately, during her impromptu Macarena performance, several important stitches come undone and the hero is forced to fling his body over hers to cover her unmentionables. Romance ensues.

2.     Lola is a professional lamington and pavlova sculptor. Since she’s just starting out in the business, there’s no way she can decline when the local BDSM club invite her to cater their Australia Day event. There’s trouble when several dungeon masters decide she’s tastier than her lamingtons. Felicity, a big-breasted dominatrix, fights them off with her cat ‘o nine tails to save her. Romance ensues.

3.     Max, a lifesaver, is running across a car park to catch up with the Mr Whippy van when he trips over the lip of his Australia Day thong and is knocked unconscious. Kind-hearted Fay helps him to his feet, straightens his Speedos and takes him to the doctor. Turns out Max has amnesia from the fall so she lets him stay at her one-bedroom apartment until he regains his memory. Romance ensues.

4.     When former copper, Mick, sees the way Jonno wraps his lips around a didgeridoo, he knows he’s found the man for him. But by the end of the Australia Day party the priceless didgeridoo has gone missing and Jonno’s in deep doo-doo. Mick uses his policing skills to help Jonno track down the missing didgeridoo. Romance ensues.

5.     On Australia Day, Gemma from America decides to watch a three-day cricket match with her new Aussie friend. Not having had years to develop the required immunity to boredom, she falls into a coma on the second day. A handsome stranger leaps up from his seat and revives her with emergency cunnilingus. Romance ensues.

6.     At the beach, Daisy uses her Australia Day face paint to write ‘eat me’ on her belly. Several fellow bathers take the message literally. Romance ensues.

7.     Bianca and Toby eye off the same sausage at a sausage sizzle. They both make a grab for it, Toby gets his hand over it but Bianca wrestles him to the ground. She chokes him with a headlock until he passes out. She eats the sausage. He regains consciousness. Romance ensues.

8.     At the Menage Appreciation Society’s Australia Day party, three strangers (Doris, Ben and Martin) compete in the ‘three-way kiss under the flag’ competition and win a free trip to Budgewoi for a week. Romance ensues.

9.     After winning big at an Australia Day game of two-up, Meg gets rip-snorting drunk and wakes up with a male swimwear model. Never one to complain about the cards that life deals her, she lures him into staying longer with her fine cooking and Karma Sutra colouring-in book. Romance ensues.

10. When Delilah stays at her boyfriend’s place for Australia Day, she decides to bring her pet cockatoo with her. Wally the cockatoo finds himself trapped in a cage with Esme the Galah. Feathers fly, but during the day they overcome their species differences. Romance ensues.

If these Australia Day scenarios have whet your appetite for more Oz-themed erotic romance, check out A Sporting Chance (which is set on Australia Day) and the other Hot Down Under stories on Amazon.

“This story was the longest of the five stories and was quite fun actually. An ex-boxer from an eastern European country buys a pub in Mount Tully. The barmaid and he have been trying to ignore their attraction and on Australia Day, over a bet about a cane toad, it all comes to a head. (Why anyone would want a cane toad as a pet is a bit beyond me though!) Luka sounded very Australian to me, despite his eastern European background but otherwise, I enjoyed this story quite a bit. It was sexy and fun and had one of the best one-liners I’ve seen in a while…”

Let’s kick off with S E Gilchrist…

Years later, she learns her sister has refused to honour the agreement. The forfeit – another mate or a cache of the prized yellow sapphires – must be paid or her remaining family will be banished.

For Leila, the role of second choice is not an option.

With the sapphires in her possession, Leila must decide – pay up now, or keep silent and take one long, hot night with the mate of her heart.

Reece Johnson’s not just a threat to her libido, but her peaceful paranormal existence. In order to avoid revealing her darkest secret, Cate needs to stay as far away from Reece’s irresistible appeal as possible. But how can she when they’re forced to share a tent? In the sultry heat of summer, Cate will discover just how incredible dreams can be and that sometimes they can also come true.

And don’t forget Kasey Channing (as if you could)

The two ex-pat yanks she gets roped into taking riding in the high country are exactly that—sexy, arrogant, irresistible trouble. Keeping both the Davis brothers at arm’s length and her chin free from drool is bloody hard work.

When a summer thunderstorm rolls through the high plains and forces them to take shelter in a secluded cattleman’s hut, Cade and Mason are determined to break through the fiery redhead’s prickly facade and show her exactly how good two men can be …

And the lovely Rhian Cahill 

Jacqueline Mowbray has spent months fantasizing about her friend Kyle and never once did she consider he may be suffering the same unrelenting attraction. But Jac is about to find out that what Kyle wants Kyle gets.

Kyle Barnes has kept a lid on his simmering desire for Jac for years but what’s a man to do when faced with a hot, wet woman wearing only a towel? Take what he wants of course.

As the city around them melts under a summer heat wave these two friends will discover the sizzling temperatures aren’t the only thing boiling over.

Warning: This story contains more than rising temperatures and the author advises the reader to have a cold drink or suitable partner to help combat the heat.

All books are released 1 Dec on Amazon kindle, and in other formats I don’t really understand.

“Well, I never would have thought that an outback story that included cane toad racing would have been something I liked, but A Sporting Chance certainly managed it.  Jane is wonderfully feminist and as snarly as they come, but hooeee Luka is more than man enough for her.

What a wonderfully affirming, and at times funny,  story this was.  Jane’s stance is firmly supported and the message is that a strong man has no need to mold a woman to be different.  Jane is herself, and Luka is himself.  Together they’re pure magic.”

Un-Australian

Supposedly, it’s “the race that stops a nation”.

In practical terms, this means:

-       normally intelligent women wear hats that look like alien spacecraft (after a crash landing)

-       people unable to tell a mare from a gelding (hint: look for the giant dong) become office bookmakers

Australian

-       workplace productivity is flattened into unrecognizable road-kill under the relentless wheels of cheap champagne and dodgy sweepstakes.

It’s all very Australian—except for the race entrants; cocaine-snorting, multi-million-dollar wonder-ponies with gold-embroidered sphincters and pedigrees that fork off the Hapsburg family tree.

Elitist much?

That’s why we need a more egalitarian cup day, an event for the masses, the people’s race—Cane Toad Derby Day.

Here’s how Australia’s new national event will roll:

1. All derby steeds will be small, stout, warty and poo-brown.
2. Only steeds with a worthy name may enter, e.g. My Dom-rom-zom Novella, Bodacious Tatas (actually, sorry, that one’s already taken).
3. No silly hats allowed. Express your fashion sense through colour coordinating your tattoos or sporting a radical thong cut.
4. Rather than a starter’s gun, the event will begin with a three-way kiss between Hugh Jackman, Joe Manganiello and Alex Skarsgard (purrrrr) who will then lift the starter barrier.
5. No jockey whips allowed during the race. Those are reserved for the use of Hugh, Joe and Alex on one other during the post-race ‘celebrations’. Please bring a can of whipped cream to contribute to this event.
6. Anyone actually paying any attention to the race (instead of Hugh, Joe and Alex) should cheat as hard as they can (Jane Hood from A Sporting Chance recommends putting dog food on your shoes to lure your noble steed across the finish line).
7. After race day, entries can be recycled into souvenir purses and key rings so their greatness can live on.

I’m open to further ideas, bring ‘em on. And if you have a great name for a racing toad, let’s hear it.